The S@!# Sandwich Generation

Photo by Sergiu Vălenaș on Unsplash

At various points in the past year my son, daughter, father, and pregnant wife have all been in diapers of some form or another.

I had heard of the so-called Sandwich Generation, generally defined as those who are simultaneously caring for aging parents and young children. I just never thought I would find myself a part of it less than five years after getting married. I also didn’t think so much of it would revolve around… well… shit.

Has Davey pooped today? Did he poop yesterday? Well, when was the last time he pooped? What color was it?

Mabel is grumpy. Has she pooped recently? When? Where? At the playground?!

Your dad called. He wondered if you could pick up some puppy pads at Walgreens if you go. No, not for the dog.

Ugh, I haven’t pooped in like three days. The baby is pressing on my colon.

Honey, can you bring me a plastic bag? I sneezed and poop came out.

Did you smell in my dad’s room? I think we need to change the sheets. I don’t know, maybe it was the dog.

Did you get the poop bags? Don’t forget the poop bags.

Macy pooped on the rug again. No, it was solid.

Ahhh. What? I just had the best poop.

Don’t forget the clear-dissolve fiber powder if you’re at Walgreen’s.

Where’s the Miralax?!

Where’s the Pepto?

Where’s the Milk of Magnesia.

Have you seen Mabel’s little panties? We need to wash them again. This time on Heavy Duty.

Woah, did you forget to empty the Diaper Genie last trash day?!

What is that smell.

Did you hear my mom at Christmas? She was talking about her mother’s impacted colon for like an hour. Isn’t that how Elvis died.

Mabel, you can’t poop on the playground, honey.

Mabel pooped in the little potty! Yay!

Your dad has is colonoscopy tomorrow. Your mom will pick him up, but you need to think about having one scheduled.

I talked to Greg today, he had his first colonoscopy. They found like two polyps. I guess they were fine. I don’t know. I didn’t ask.

Davey has a little poop stuck in his butt, I need to pull it out.

Don’t forget the glycerin suppositories at Walgreen’s when you go!

Was it diverticulosis or diverticulitis? Which is which? Is it like stalactites and stalagmites? Or is it like Caribbean and Caribbean?

No, I think he had it removed.

Can we go one Thanksgiving without hearing the word colon? Or polyp?

I talked to Greg again. Did you know he had hemorrhoids last summer? No wonder he was such a jerk at Labor Day. He had them banded off. Banded off?! That sounds awful. What does that even mean.

Your dad asked to get him a hemorrhoid pillow at CVS. Yes, I am sure they have it on Amazon, but do NOT get that in our order history!

Alicia called, she said Mabel pooped at their house and she wants us to come get her.

Are you still in there?! We have to go.

Do you smell that?

I don’t know when they recommend you get your first colonoscopy, but why wait?

He’s trying to eat more fiber.

Did the dog poop or did the coffee maker come on?

There is bird shit all over the car.

This is bullshit.

This is horseshit.

2020 is so shitty.

No shit.

Macy pooped in the neighbor’s yard and I forgot poop bags, but it was in the ground cover so I just left it.

We have to swing by Walgreen’s. My dad is constipated.

We have to stop by CVS, your dad says he has diarrhea.

Pull over now!

Should we keep a little toilet in the van?

What is this shit?

What is this? Shit?

Is Preparation H for before or after? I guess before. Preparation? Or is it like it was prepared for after?

Does fiber make you go or stop you up?

Three words: Steamed Brussels sprouts!

Have you tried magnesium?

Have you tried chlorophyll?

We should try oat milk.

No, she’s had enough milk, she won’t poop for a week.

Ugh, no cheese.

It was like little pellets.

It has hard.

It was soft.

It was huge!

I had to call the plumber. Mabel’s poop cost us $117.

It was orange.

It was green.

It was red.

It had a thing in it.

No, not runny.

Vesuvius!

I am so sick of this shit.

It's been a real leisure. [That picture is not me.--ed.]